Find out what they want - If your pre-teen asks, “How do you use MySpace?” that doesn’t necessarily mean they are ready to set one up, they may really just want to know how it works.
If they say everyone in the class has e-mail, it may merely be an observation rather than a request. I admit to putting Busy Girl off a little when she first started asking about these things, just to see how serious she was about it. I figured when it came up in conversation on a consistent basis, then she was serious. No, that doesn't mean I gave into her because she nagged me about it.
Make sure you know how to use whatever it is you’re giving them - Seriously. If you don't know the ins and outs of the e-mail, the web page builder or the world of instant messaging, then don't let your kids use them.
Besides making it tough to help them, it is nearly impossible to monitor what they are doing. As a parent, it's just not cute to say, "Oooh, that Internet stuff is all so complicated, I just don't know anything about it!" Take a class, ask for help, but, you must know how to do what your kids are doing.
Allow privileges in increments - It’s not necessarily an “all or nothing” matter.
When Busy Girl first started asking about these matters, we agreed to start with an e-mail account and see how it went. She did quite well with it and was content, and, felt like part of the crowd.
I did, however, tell her that I would cancel her account if she became a compulsive e-mail "forwarder". She had to demonstrate that she could copy and paste into a new e-mail if there was something she just had to share.
As she became more aware of the MySpace phenomenon, we had more conversations. We made it clear from the outset that she was not old enough for a MySpace page, even if some of her peers had them. Not because we were on the “MySpace is evil” bandwagon, but, simply because it’s for older kids and,apparently, independent bands.
We decided upon an alternative with Piczo (against all my web design sensibilities) page. Sure, anything of that sort can be a problem, but, I just felt that the Piczo crowd was more age appropriate. Again, she knew the rules (basic Internet safety) and has abided by them.
Be prepared for the junk it leaves on your computer, though. Be the adware sweeper. Feel the adware sweeper.
She has recently entered the world of IM, and, seems quite content to talk to her classmates. She even refused to join a chat room because there was one kid she didn't know. I know all the people on her buddy list, and, she tells me who they are when she adds someone.
It's gone fine, so far. She can only do it when her homework is finished, etc., but, it's had the added benefit of freeing up the phone in the evening.
Perform ongoing monitoring - Once you give them access to something, you need to follow up on it.
However you choose to do it (parental control software or whatever), you have to know what they are doing.
Part of our deal is that I always have access to any account, and, I use it. I am also a bit unpredictable and will leave messages on her friends' web pages and have answered an unattended IM screen before (heh, none of them believed it was me, at first). I also follow links on her friends' pages and check out friends of friends.
Monitoring is not controlling, you can’t control another person. Like many things about raising children, you give them a good foundation, and, guide them along the way. You're right, there's nothing to prevent them from setting up a secret account or something, but, if you choose to allow them this type of access, there comes a time when you have to trust they know how to do the right thing, and, you monitor what you can both online and offline.
Decide consequences for mis-use - As with any discipline matter, make sure the rules are clear and enforceable.
The only thing I've had to call her on so far is an e-mail that showed her supporting role in some gossipy thing started by another child, but it was fairly minor. She knows what she did wrong.
It's actually come in handy more often as a discipline tool for other situations. As in, "Every time you drive to the right corner of the court and stop, it's going to cost you 15 minutes of IM time."
Kidding. Sort of. C'mon, you agree that's a bad habit for a point guard, right?
OK, where was I?
Internet use is a reality for our children. It can be complicated, but, there's also nothing inherently wrong with using it for fun. Sure, it's social uses can be abused, but, many other things can be abused in the same way. Keeping these things in check is just what we do as parents.
Coming up whenever I get around to it: "Kids Using Cell Phones: A Measure of Parenting Skill or a Way to Place a Phone Call?"
« I'm done now!
Well done, Busy Mom!
I have gone so far as to password protect all desktops on the computer, and my daughter does not know her own password. That means she CAN'T use the computer without permission, more important now that she's home alone at times. We also made it a point to put the computer smack dab in the family room where we can see what's going on.
The way I see it, your daughter will be reading and writing- no matter the subject, that is educational. Writing-even IM, gives writing practice.
Busymom-well done-you hit all the high points, and hit them well.
Sara-I agree, they are writing, but there is some pretty poor spelling going on!
If you would like software to monitor and block internet usage- we have the best and I'd be happy to let you use a 10% off coupon (AWLP) in the cart. 5 day money back guarantee... we are all parents in this business, so rest assured WebWatcher will work for you. Contact me with any questions.
this is the most level-headed, concise read I've ever seen on this topic. my kid's only 2, we've already visited pbskids.org, and who knows what the internet/social networking/etc will look like once she's a teen.
Those are great tips! Thanks for writing them up as we are just now venturing down this road!
Did I ever mention that you are my hero! *smile*
I've been thinking about the same subject lately, having a daughter the same age who faces the internet constantly at school. I'll have to link to you when it goes up next week because you have some practical thoughts.
Sensible attitude. Accepting that they need to learn to use the internet responsibly is a good stepping stone to using all the other "tools" (like cars) they'll be exposed to as they get older.
As my sister reads you more than even my blog:) I told her about this.
Very comprehensive and makes a ton of sense. As the Aunt "Tick" of a ten year old, this will be perused tonight over the supper table.
Thanks. Also, waaaahhh... please tell me I never ever have to worry about these things with my daughter. But she's just a baby! What do you mean, they grow up?
I agree with knowing technology as welll as your children. If they know you have no clue what they are doing then they are bound to have ways to hide information from you.
What great advice! It's so important to keep an eye on the happenings in your children's lives. Today it's the internet - years ago, there were other critical things to watch. No matter when you raise your children, the watchfulness of a parent is necessary. And not always easy.
Thanks for the sage advice.
Please remember that monitoring your children on the internet is about their safety. I just attended a home/school meeting for my son's school last night and there was a presentation about internet predators. Here is the website that was sited: http://www.paulandlisa.org/internet_risks.html
Know that this is very real and we need to protect our children. Thanks Busymom, for your wonderful post!
xoxo
Having 2 children--13 and 11--I have been dealing w/this issue for sometime now. I make my kids use AOL. They have great parental controls. The only problem I find is that some of the websites they block are ones that my kids really need for homework, etc. So I end up having to give them separate permission for this. Maybe it's time to let them use yahoo for their stuff.
Our computer is in the kitchen and when I know kids are going to be home alone, I log out off windows. They don't know the password to get back in.
I had a friend who was of the "only for research and only if we are RIGHT NEXT TO HIM" school of thought. I told her she was making a big mistake, especially once he was in high school.
It was amazing to me the lengths he went to to get online behind her back. He was not normally a bad kid, but to keep him off the internet - something everyone else was doing - was just too much for him.
They will go off to college and be on their own someday. Teach them now to use the web wisely.
In our town, they're teaching the kids how to use IE in first grade. There's even a permission slip to sign first.
After setting them up with Firefox, we've already begun teaching our 6 and 7 year old boys about keeping their personal information off the web, and how strangers online are the same as strangers on the street.
They don't have any email or anything, and only visit sites that we have screened first, but hopefully educating them early will make it a little easier in a couple years when that all changes.
I have a 16 year old who has her own MySpace (which I check regularly and have had to ask her to remove some information from her page) and IMs regularly. I made it very clear that anything that is sent over the computer is accessible by me. Any IM or email is traceable. I do have the computer logging her IM messages (which she is aware of although I don't know if she realizes she can turn that option off and if she does, I'll just turn it back on).
I have also informed her that anything she relays on the computer, either on her MySpace page or in IM reflects on her and on her parents. We have had to re-emphasize a few boundaries a couple of times however overall she has been quite responsible.
I do feel kids should be allowed to use the internet based on their ability to use it responsibly and parents need monitor to make sure they stay responsible in their use.
I would also like to add that I occasionally check the history and cookies on the computer my boys use (they are now 15 and 20). There were times when the youngest was 12 or so and had friends for a sleepover, and one of those kids would go on with their own password and access questionable material. You can imagine the sort of things I am referring to.
While I didn't initially accuse MY son of doing it, I kinda did, and then all those kids got together and told the one kid who WAS responsible to knock it off. Some mothers even got into it with other mothers that they knew better than me, and well, gee, THAT sure was fun.
But what was I supposed to do? Let a mess of 8th graders view p0rn at my house?
I think not.
Pre-teens and Internet
Now to live without Internet it is impossible.
This is out of any comments. So I am sure the pre-teens will use Internet as pre-teens, teens and after as students etc. It is depend only from us as fathers and mothers, as people in The Social World. More this, the globalization is here.
So, seems, it is very important to think and to decide and after this to do good things, actions and to learn our pre-teens and teenagers that The Internet is as water!
We need to drink 1 to 2 liters every day but when the water is more and more it is sea, it is ocean, it is storm and we need to be very careful!
I will suggest:
1. Try to talk with you pre-teens.
2. Try to understand what they think.
3. Try remembering what was done personally from you in your pre-teens years etc
It is one of the main reasons we was opened a Free Google Talk list:
http://www.pleven.net/Chat-room-Google-free-talk/Member-List/
And Teen chat rooms information by countries:
http://www.pleven.net/Chat-Room/Teen/
Regards,
Suppot team