Busy Boy is finally back at school, he's not totally well, but, seems to be on the mend from bronchitis, or, perhaps pneumonia.
He's missed way too much school since the year began (4 days) which isn't good for someone like him in the 6th grade, a huge transition year.
Mid-term report card not likely to be pretty.
He's also missed way too much football. He'll get to play, but, I'm not sure what it will do to his playing time this weekend, and, I don't know what he's missed in the way of learning new plays, either.
It's kind of significant, since they don't have all that many games, and, this year is somewhat formative for the 7th and 8th grade team next year.
So sue me, this is the South, football is a big deal.
I hope he's well because, much to his dismay, he starts Cotillion this weekend (I said, shut up' this is the South,we do these things, too), and, there's a lot of hand shaking.
It'd be all kinds of awkward if the whole group suddenly broke out with the plague after his first class.
With the weekend approaching, we are negotiating Busy Girl's weekend plans.
Hey, she got her braces off yesterday, by the way.
I am by no means a parenting expert, she is my oldest, and, she's only 13, but, I'm going to vent my usual plea to parents of tweens and young teens:
Most of the time? YOU CAN'T DROP THESE KIDS OFF (in a public place) AND LEAVE!
I know we've already discussed the to the going to the movies thing, and, the rule at our house now is that there are no rules, each case is different.
But, lately, I've been fighting the battle of other parents offering to take Busy Girl places, and, finally realizing that they are planning on dropping them off and going somewhere themselves.
So far? I've had parents drop her and friends off and leave at: a downtown radio station for a concert (however, the station staff made the parents stay), a limo ride with stops that involved getting out and going places, and, a downtown public sporting event.
Not OK with me, and, each time I never fathomed that they wouldn't be staying. I ask every single time, now.
Why yes, sometimes, I am a slow learner.
You may be saying, "What's wrong with that? I trust my kid."
It's not that I don't "trust" the kids. It's not that I'm overly worried about some sensationalistic scenario, either.
It's that tweens and young teens don't always possess the proper decision making skills to be out and about without a parent on site, and, group think doesn't always reflect what a kid would do individually.
I have no idea when I'll feel like they'll develop the proper skills, but, it's not right now.
Even Busy Girl, who was born an adult, gave me some questionable answers when I quizzed her about possible scenarios, the most disturbing of which is that she indicated she'd take on someone verbally if they were harassing her, or her friends.
Even if you are sure everyone in the group is "a good kid", it's possible they might not yet recognize a decision as a bad one, it doesn't always have to be someone deliberately making trouble.
Would your child really know what to do if another kid in the group decided they were "just gonna go across the highway to a movie because there's plenty of time" during a trip to the mall?
How would they handle the scenario if a group of older teens harassed them at the football game?
What if a friend decided to "run out to the car for a second with this new guy I met" after the concert?
What happens if they decide to go to a sit-down restaurant, and, the bill comes, and, there's not enough money? Not a life threatening scenario, but, still needs adult involvement.
It's not that I think a parent always has to be right on top of them, either. I do think that at least for now, a parent, or, adult must be on site during most outings right now, but, not everyone shares those thoughts.
So, for now, I'm prepared to go a few places on short notice because if other parents won't do it, I will.
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Hey, I'm in the midwest ... none of my children are even playing football yet ... and not only is football a big deal ... it's LIFE this time of year. Everything else revolves around it.
Sad, but very true!
I'm going to have to think about this for a while. I'll be facing this soon. It was about age 13 that my parents started the "drop off" thing with me: movies, the bowling alley, little two hour jaunts when I'd be in one place.
But I can't help but think that the 70's were just a different time.
I think the cotillion thing is awesome.
Yikes. I agree with you on this. I only have a four year old and I can already see the difference between group mentality and individual mentality. It scares me.
Man, I just saw on the news this morning a story about a girl in Pensacola who met a new friend at school, spent the night with her and was subsequently held against her will with the intentions of being sold into the sex trade. Holy cow, you just can't be too careful with your teen daughters these days.
Yikes, wait until next year when she has a friend or 2 who are a year older or so and DRIVING. That was hardest for me, letting my oldest wander out of the house with a friend driving.
I live in a smaller town and felt comfortable leaving my kids by 12 or 13 in town for things. But everyone knows everyone and that helps. And they are boys, and sexist or not, it makes a difference.
How about the time I went to the mall WITH the kids, let them wander on their own for a while agreeing to meet up with them at the cafe court at a specified time (a very short time later) and found them in said court with my teen (15) being sketched by a creepy young adult who was practicing her skills off in a corner.
You practically have to chain yourself to them no matter where you go. *snort* The rest of the kids had deserted her because they got bored.
That does it. The apron strings will now be made of chain!
I'm with you on the subject.
I could never imagine taking someone elses kids and dropping them off either. If a friend gets invited I feel responsible for them. And I wouldn't do a drop off with my son so why would I do that with someone elses? Right?
I don't think you're overprotective or anything you're just using good judgement. Something our kiddos don't always possess.
P.S. Regarding football. Duh! I'm from Texas.
We all live, eat, breathe it down here.
At this age group, what her friends do, she is under pressure to conform and do so. Your worries are normal as a mum. You are right it is not a matter of trust or not trust. However, I recommend that creating a more friendship like relationship with your teenager child instead of treating them like a toddler or children may win their trust. When windows of opportunity come, discuss your worries with her. She may then open up and share with you. Positively if she can see where your concerns, she may be more responsible and placing you as her consideration for each peer pressure action. Pamela.
I am so with you on this one!
Were you in my class at Fortnightly?
I was the dorky guy who couldn't dance who always had clammy palms.
Oh wait, that was all of us.
HOOOORAAAAYYYYY!!! I'm so glad you are saying what I'm thinking. I am really dreading the next 10-15 years when my girls become tweens and having to explain that NO, you can not go by yourself. They don't have the brain power yet to make potentially life-altering decisions.
THANKS!
http://awholelotofnothing.net
Momma of a 14 year old here and I agree with you on all counts. I always ask as well. Although, I do let Sister go to the movies with her peer group this year, I wouldn't let her go to, say the mall or the beach. I'm not sure about football yet this year, we will probably go with her until we see the dynamics of it, then decide. But, as you say, each child and each situation is different, and I have had occasions to watch her unnoticed and I trust that she would make good decisions....meaning, I have spied on her and she pasts my tests....lol
You're good. I know I did a lot of those things growing up. I was the oldest and also a "born adult" as you so cleverly put it. All that I have learned in my very early independence, I will pass on to my daughters ...verbally. I don't need them to walk in my shoes and have any clue about the amount of trouble I got into or the number or stupid risks I took along the way. No way. They aren't going to be allowed to go anywhere by themselves except the library and church.
And we do Cotillion too. I'll send you a picture of my daughter's class last year and you see if you can pick her out. OK? Clue: She's the happiest one in the room.
Good for you! I'm astounded at the number of parents who think it's OK to just drop kids off at different events. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only parent around who actually believes in parenting.
I, like you, have come to figure out that you always have to talk to the parent and specifically ASK if they are going to be at the activity. Even if the activity is at their own house.
Arggg.
I couldn't agree with you more!
I just found your blog and we have a lot in common! I also live in the south and have a 13 year old daughter and 11 year old son.
I'm with you 100%!
Too many kids are out unsupervised... In our area, we've been having a problem with kids stealing and breaking into houses -- and it's kids... 13-17 years old -- stealing guns and iPods from peoples houses...
Sad...
Good for you B-Mom.
Is Cotillion a fancy name for Ballroom? I already thought THAT was fancy!
I guess I am very much along the same line of thought as Slartibartfast. At 13, I was out and about by myself most of the time. To the movies, shopping, etc.
Of course I turned 13 in 1978, and things were different then, plus I had the advantage of being from the big northeast where everything that you mentioned, I could do without having to cross a highway, or even needing a ride (well maybe hop on a bus crosstown, but that is it). Everything was right in town.
In another 6 years, I will most likely saying the same thing as you. But at the same time, I will be lamenting that I feel like I HAVE to feel that way and wish I could feel as safe as my parents did allowing me to "roam free" at 13.
I'm with with you. My oldest was 13 in 1985, and we had the same problems--and the same rules as you do. We used to joke that we were the strictest parents in our town (San Francisco Bay area). Our kids didn't seem to mind most of the time, and they are raising their kids pretty much the same way we did.
Good for you. I wish my parents and my friends parents had taken a more proactive stance. I don't "blame" anybody for past mistakes, but having an adult would have prevented some of it.
Good.for.you.
All I'm going to say is I was a "good" kid, and I remember what "good" things I did when I was left with my friends.
Amen, sister!
Sing it sister...my youngest (14) is challenging us on these kinds of issues. Party at a friends house ("Are the parents going to be home?"); going to the mall and meeting some friends there (who? how many? what sex?) We tried to disuade him from going to their Homecoming Dance, but he had already asked a girl (she is just a friend..uh huh) Parenting at this age is tough because other parents do it differently from us.
Group think is a dangerous thing because no one wants to say what they really know is right for fear of being the geek.
Well, you know I agree with you. My 14 year old can go to the movies with a group. I have yet to allow her to go to a restaurant without an adult. It is that "group think" thing. I don;t trust that they can or will make the right decisions. I did let her got to a football game without me, but the school where I teach was the opposing team, so I was right across the field. I'm sure she hates me, but oh well. I have resigned myself to being the mom who drives and who goes places with them. If not me, then who?
Both my kids did cotillion. Ah, fond memories.
I mother friend of mine was just talking about how shocked she was that some parents dropped their kids off in "iffy rain" at sports practice and left, I guess trusting the coach would call them if practice got called off?
That is exactly what my problem is -- I grew up on the West coast and NO Cotillion out here. When I think of how my life could have been different...
And to answer your question: It's fine to let loose of 'em on their wedding days, once they're walking down the aisle. But not before.
Hope your guy gets better soon.
You stick to your guns, Busy. Good for you. My parents did the "drop off" thing in the 70s but it was a different time. I am "uptight" in the same way you are. It's amazing how STUPID people can be with their own kids. It's very sad.
I totally agree with you. My son is 11 we never allow him to go anywhere without supervision.
There are just way too many dangers in this world.
On another note GO VOLS !!!
Cotillion? Wow, we just have barn dances!
My daughter is, as we speak, at the movies with friends. She is 15 and her best friend JUST GOT HER LICENSE! However, that is not the issue atm... just my frantic mind unable to wonder away from that...
I think I started letting her go to the movies without an adult at about 14.
If there is a boy involved, there has to be at least 2 other girls with them. 2 boys - 4 girls. I always know the movie, the times, who will be there, how they will get there (and back) and the time she will be home.
1 days grounding is the result for being 5 minutes late without a phone call. Why else do I pay for her cellphone?
And, I have been known to decide to see a movie at the last minute if I feel something is "Off". Of course, I have yet to be caught doing that :P
Very positive response you got to this. Surprising. Refreshing, even.
And, yes, missing football's a problem. Even in Chicago, thank you.
You wrote: You may be saying, "What's wrong with that? I trust my kid."
What i tell the kids is I trust them just fine. But I remind them of the line they dropped from the Lord's Prayer: Lead us not into temptation, because when we get there we're gonna get screwed.
Now my youngest, 13, hangs around one park or another when not in football and there's no supervision to speak of. But that's in the neighborhood....
But there's one thing I don't get at all:
Cotillion? What the heck is that?
Don't mind me....I'm just giving you a standing ovation.
It's a tough age, all right. You can also encourage them to "hang out" at your home. I enjoyed having the "group" over many, many nights. I knew where they were, their parents knew me, and it felt very safe.
I wish I lived near you because my children have the same rules. At least then we could take turns being the parent with the kids.
I am constantly shocked by what parents are allowing their children to do unsupervised. At this age they do NOT have good decision making skills. At all.
You are right on.
I don't get why my neighbors feel okay using young babysitters. Does the 12 year old know what to do if there's a fire? An earthquake? Someone chokes?
These things happen, and yes, you are absolutely right to quiz her on what her reactions might be.