Those of you who've been through being the parent of a teen are probably laughing at me, but, I'm just starting this adventure.
Over the past few months, I've been perplexed by when and if young teens should go to the movies without a parent, and, about this teen / tween dating thing, and, you've been kind enough to share your experiences.
My ultimate decision on the movies thing was a rousing, "It depends on the situation".
As much as I wanted to give Busy Girl an answer and some firm guidelines about the movies issue, I've learned that things aren't always as concrete as you might think, and, we just taking a movie at a time.
There's times where we've been unable to control when she goes when she's with other people, but, she is great about telling us what's going on.
Yes, that will too happen to you someday in some form, no matter what you think.
As for the "dating" thing, well, since 8th grade has rolled around, I've found myself in the situation where Busy Girl was "dating" a classmate.
When she told me about it, I said it was, "Fine, as long as by 'dating' you mean talking on the phone, and, on IM. Anything other than that, not so much."
There was none of this driving your 13 year old on "dates" in 8th grade, either, though I might have been suckered into it on a couple of occasions. We'll get to that in a minute.
He's a nice young man, but, she eventually got tired of the whole thing and called it off.
Actually, I'm a little concerned that she wasn't nice to him, but, I have to take her word for it that things went OK.
We've talked about it, and, decided that she doesn't need to get back into this "dating" thing for a while. She agreed, but, she's now juggling 4 (yes, four, probably 3 more boys than ever liked me in my life) boys who like her, but, hey, it's not "dating".
I'm really not too broken up about it, because I've decided that I'd rather her begin to learn about the boys thing in her small grade school rather than navigating it for the first time in a much larger high school next year ("Next year"?! Gah!!).
My new dilemma, though, is a combination of these two things.
The movies I can handle, the "dating" I can handle (thus far), but, what I'm finding now is that I can't tell the difference between a "date" and a group of people going to the movies.
When she was going with the boy, there were often weekend plans to go to the movies.
If it was convenient for us, going to the movies was fine, but, on a couple of occasions, I got there with her, and, realized it was what I call a "couple-y" thing.
It's hard for me to decide what I think about it, because they are all great kids, and, they are all friends.
On one hand, they are just at the movies with their friends. These are their friends. On the other hand, it was pairs of kids who were "dating".
In that situation, I stayed for the movie (as I've been doing a lot lately), and, it was no big deal. They were well behaved and had a nice time. But, I made sure to tell Busy Girl that I wasn't pleased to find out it was just couples when we got there.
Though I'm sure that part was planned that way, there were also other kids invited (not couples), but, they couldn't make it.
We're now being regularly bombarded with her "going to the movies with friends", and, the group almost always includes boys. She's very good about telling me who's going to be there, and, I usually know most of the kids.
I am very adamant about the fact that I'm not going to drive her or her friends on dates (There's a guy she really likes but she allegedly isn't going out with him because we told her she couldn't), but, there's this gray area of "hanging out", as in "Moooommmmmm, no one is on a 'date', we're just 'hanging out'."
They've never given me any reason to believe there's anything wrong with the group "hanging out", but, it's still an area I'm learning to navigate, especially when the "hanging out" occurs at the movies.
Until I figure it out, though, you'll find me in the front row of the movies hunched down low so no one can see me.
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My son recently started "dating" his Best Friend and I have learned I'm letting a lot more by this time around. I think it's because I know the girl and I think I (might blindly) trust them more as a couple so I let them go on one-on-one dates.
But I've noticed the "group" dates tend to be more "couples" and I wonder if other parents have rules about "groups" and this is how they cope.
It's making me insane too.
I don't blame you for being confused. My oldest three are boys (ages 20, 18 and 16), my daughter is my youngest (she'll be 13 in five, short weeks)--and I have to admit, it was easier with the boys! Better to be safe than sorry though, that's always been my motto where the kids were concerned--even though they don't always like it!
OMG - I so don't want to think about this! I want my 6th grader to stay in gymnastics until high school, so she doesn't have time for boys!
Hey, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck-like creature. Y'know? Who cares if it's called a date or "hanging out" if it consists of boys & girls paired off? I think you're smart to chaperone at this stage -- 13 is young! (Right now thanking my stars that I have boys and that they're still under age 12....)
Yeah, Finn's been "hangin'" with a girl and he thought that was poppin' but then she "got all girly and stuff" on him so he called it off and I don't think very kindly.
Then a NEW GIRL came to school and she's SUPER POPPIN but all the guys liked her and the next thing I knew he started wearing his contacts to school instead of his glasses so it must be serious.
A thorough investigation of his Valentine bag revealed no clues.
shouldn't you be sitting in the back row to keep a better eye on things? you can always throw popcorn if the boy gets to close to busy girl
Crap, I can't even get the hang of kindergarten playdates, let alone think about dating. My oldest is 10 1/2 and I know a couple of girls in his class think he's cute. Oy vey...
We watched Zathura over the weekend (shut up, it's pretty good) and I loved this little exchange between dad and his teenage daughter:
Dad: By the way, it makes me uncomfortable when you say "hooking up".
Lisa: Why? It's not like it means anything.
Dad: Hope it doesn't.
Lisa: It doesn't. It's just an expression.
Dad: Hope it is.
Lisa: It is! God, when should never have rented Thirteen.
I thought it was just me! :) I have a 13 year old daughter and I'm trying to keep open communications and be fair about her outings. So far I've been lucky that she is more into her sports and writing! She's tall for her age, 5'7", and is finding it tough to find someone she likes that is taller than her. Whew! :)
I'm still scared at the prospect of potty training...I'm not ready to even give thought to boys yet!
My son is going to date a chess board. Or a band instrument. Or a calculator. He has to. I won't survive all this! I've got 4 or 5 years it seems to prep myself...my head is already swimming!
Sounds like you're doing the right thing. We kind of did the movie by movie thing with Headless Girl and it has worked out great. Luckily for us she never really had a boyfriend until this year (she's 17). That, however, brings it's own challenges!
You are a nice mom! When my time comes, I'll be sitting in the back of the theatre with my popcorn and M&Ms, spying.
Poor Mom. She has now embarked upon 4 1/2 years of boy/girl stuff. (Meaning, when she's 18, you either send her off to college or throw her out of the house. Good luck.)
Being as we are one year ahead of you at our house, I'd like to give you a preview....nice boyfriend, one school year ahead (meaning 10th grade) WITH A CAR!!!! Just contemplate that for a moment, if you will. Are you screaming yet?
Our rule is no single dating in cars until...well, whenever I say, which won;t be this year or next. Maybe by 11th grade? Parenting is hard.
What I learned the hard way, is that the BEST children are the ones that do bad things when the parents are away...And they are damned good at scheming.
My 15 year old started with MySpace. We told her that it was okay, so long as we had full access to her account. What we learned later, a little too late, was that she'd created another account and was carrying on like a disgusting 18 year old that had discovered sex and freedom from parents. This is the IB student, who is 1st chair Viola, Captain of the robotics team and the girls who preaches abstinence and helps hold rallies outside of abortion clinics. We never expected that kind of behavior, but looking back, it all started at the age of 13, when the hormones were going nuts.
Now, our rule is, no boys around unless there is a parent or youth director chaperoning. Period. There is nothing that a boy and a girl need to be doing alone that they shouldn't be able to do with an adult around. I understand that they need to date and build relationships, but honestly, our parents didn't allow it and neither will we.
Rant over. Sorry! ; )
Keep up the good work. You know your family better than any of us. You do what you need to do to keep your kids and their friends safe.
I don't usually comment but OH do I know how you feel!! The oldest two of my six children are girls who are now 20 and 18. We went along with the group dates with the younger one, but the older one...NOT A CHANCE. She had her wedding china picked out with each boy she ever dated. We went to those movies and sat in the back...I'll even admit to my husband sitting next to the boy and asking him to remove his lips from his daughters face.
Go with your gut! I just realized that I still have four more kids to put through those wondrous teen years...egads I need a cocktail.
Michael had a girlfriend during the fall semester; I found out about her several months into the "relationship." She broke up with him right before Christmas because he had not called her for several days. I asked him, "Did you not know better?!!" His response was he was tired of the 2-3 hour conversations about nothing and didn't want to get her a Christmas gift. He said everyone breaks up before Christmas to avoid the gift giving!
Perhaps Busygirl could start her own blog giving tips for juggling. The few times I was in that situation, it was nerve wracking!
One time when one of my young teens wanted to go to a movie with a group of kids I didn't know, I dropped him off, then went and parked. I went to the same movie (he knew I was going to), we just ignored each other. After the movie I got the car then came around and picked him up. Mom's happy, kid's not embarrassed. In general I would say just keep asking questions and try to get to know the other kids and their parents. It's really a tightrope act. I have to admit though, I'm glad I don't have girls...
I am not pleased by this prospect.
No, not at all.
I'll be in the corner in the fetal position...
It sounds like you're doing everything right. Knowing her friends is so very important. Keeping the lines of communication open and when in doubt, TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. Don't let her guilt you into anything. She's a great kid, but she's still a kid.
Also, from my experience...it's safe to assume that 'going out', 'hanging out' and 'dating' are all the same if she's talking about a boy she likes.
Random teen thoughts-According to my 14 yr old son, girls don't talk to boys they don't think are hot. So if she's talking... Also, any parent that thinks it's ok for their kid to have a MySpace page as long as they have the password, doesn't really get it. They will ALWAYS have a "real" page. And on that page you will see a lot of stuff you don't want to see. But see it, you should. Sign up for your own account if you want to be able to see the pictures they post. After you figure out how to get on their page, like when they forgot to sign off when they get a phone call and run to their room. I think every mom needs to have a heart to heart talk with their daughters about posting pictures on MySpace and sending pictures via cell phones. I have seen girls get very hurt over images they themselves sent to their supposed boyfriend, who passed it on, and passed it on, and so on. Oh, and our movie theater is in a large mall. When you start leaving them in the theater alone, don't be surprised to see them in the mall shortly after you paid $9 for the ticket to the movie. They figure this out quickly.
Lord this takes me back to my first date. I was 15 he was 14 and his mom hated me. So when we went to the movies we had to take his 12 year old little sister with us. He was so hot so I didn't mind at all, but it was hilarious because the only movie we could get into was City Slickers cause it was PG13. LOL
The joys of parenthood! No doubt I'll find myself in similar situations in about 10 years or so...
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I never lurked in the movie theater but I always insisted on group activities. Of course it didn't always go as planned. Set the rules, talk a lot, ignore the little lies(there will be a million) and only freak out over big lies. You'll make it thru.
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That was interesting but I can`t agree at all.