I have a lot to learn about this teen parenting thing.
My first lesson is that it suddenly got really hard to figure out what is going on in her world.
I began monitoring her computer use, with her knowledge to make sure there were no hugely inappropriate things going on in her world.
I rehearsed the next level of the drinking/drugs/smoking/sex talks and filed them away, ready to bring them out should anything I read anywhere raise my suspicions.
But, not to my great surprise, I'm not finding any of these scenarios.
I fully realize that most anything can be deleted, or moved to the phone via text messages, I'm fairly confident that things in these areas are OK for now.
What I really didn't think about though, was reading about things that are obviously important to her that she doesn't talk to me about much.
I'm still learning about what things are manufactured drama for the sake of drama and which things are truly upsetting.
I've been pondering a quote I read last week about raising teens: "Where is the line between (teaching) independence and neglect?"
Of course, that doesn't usually mean criminal or egregious neglect, but it's really been on my mind as I navigate this new territory.
While she's still pretty young and not driving or going many places without an adult (curse this going to the movies thing, still, though) this idea mainly applies to me in the area of friends, family and school.
So right now, the question I ask myself is, "What is the line between things I should talk to her about and what is none of my business?"
I very rarely ask her about things I've read, I want to save my inquiries for things that truly matter.
But, for example, when I read something that indicates a good friend of hers has mistreated her, I want to stand up and say, "Friends don't do that!"
Another part of me realizes that it's something she should handle on her own.
Then the first part that won't easily be silenced (she shows up the most often, go figure) steps up and shouts that I should keep the lines of communication open while she's young, that's what a good teen parent does.
However, she is very wise and if I said something generic like, "You can talk to me anytime about anything, you know", she'd say, "Alrighty, I'll get right on that", so I probably need to be specific when bringing up stuff that matters.
Please note that both parts of me can be silenced with a good steak, or nachos on occasion, and she'll be on her own during that time either way.
I suppose the answer is that I will just have to take things as they come, people have been doing this for years, I just want to get it right the first time.
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This hit home. My daughter is only 10 though. I had become aware of a girl in school that was giving her a hard time. I actually blogged about it. I wrote an open letter to her from me. But I gave my daughter the option of my getting involved or her handling it - all the while her knowing that I was aware of what was going on. She always chooses handling it on her own, and I have been pleasantly surpirsed how well that has worked for her!! 10 - can you believe it?? Girls are tough these days!
I have 11 and 10 year old daughters, I have the same issues with the computer, the phone and sleep overs, but to add to my complication I share custody. I have taken a stance that I let them know what I observe and then ask if they would like my opinion on the matter. I was just standing back and letting things happen and realized that I was loosing opportunities to teach them things "I" wanted them to learn.. or at least hear. So far they have always wanted to hear what I have to say. I guess when the day comes they say no, I will have to leave it with the "I'm always here to listen" and swallow my pride. This has just been way harder than I could imagine! But we will all get through it!
My daughter is turning 13 in June and I face the same issues. I don't think there is any clear answer. Like you said, there is a fine line between caring and minding your own business. I, too, have found that so far my daughter has excellent concious and makes the right decision when needed. If you figure out the "magic rule" for raising a teen, please let me know.
Our children are almost 10 years apart, and it amazes me how much has changed since our son was 13. He was also much less social at that age than our daughter is. When I'm not debating with her about how much oversight a parent should have, I'm debating it with myself or my husband! However, it sounds like you are actually reading her IMs and/or email (albeit with her knowledge). We've opted to let our daughter keep those private, knowing we may come peek over her shoulder. I also have a filter that lets me see exactly what websites she's been to. I'm not sure I'd want to have the level of info you seem to--dealing with middle school drama once in my life is enough for me!
Hmmm, now where did I put that owner's manual that came with my daughter. I can't find it anywhere!
I wish I could help you, except to say you and your daughter will come out all right in the end.
Monitoring now is good, with the conversation attached, better. We did that with HG when she was that age and now that she is 17 and a SR. she has gotten the message. Her decisions are usually better than we would have made! So we can trust her implicitly; that is a good thing.
You'll continue doing fine. Worrying about it is part of the mom package.
I wish I had an answer, but everything I do seems wrong anyway... my 13 year old will do homework and then not HAND IT IN. Sometimes, I am convinced that I have no control in this household at all.
I'm so glad you are conscientious - so many parents are not.
But I've lived through 2 teens and I have an 8 year-old who is clearly going to hit puberty early.
There is good advice and there are good recommendations out there, but there is no perfect parent except God - and look what a mess His kids are!
You are GOING to make mistakes, but mistakes are forgivable. Listen to your instincts and keep your humility handy.
Well, you know ... the biggest part of this job is already done. That would be laying the foundations by which she makes her own judgments and decisions. Most of your guidance and teaching and imparting of your ethics and morals was done during the earlier years, now is the pay-off.
My youngest just turned 18. Her older brothers are 20 and 22. I found that, during the teen years, that they developed a selective deafness to me that no hearing aid could ever reach. However, when it came down to brass tacks, they did fall back on how I had brought them up starting in the diaper days. They aren't perfect kids, and one was really a struggle, due to other influences, but what came shining through in all of them was the influences made on them when their ages were still single digit.
The wonderful thing now is that they are coming to realize that ol' mom really kinda knew what she was talking about, and they are glad they (mostly) paid attention.
Relax. You're doing fine.
My two daughters are 17 and 4, what works for me is a combination of instinct and observation. When I notice that my older daughter is off a bit, not herself, snapping at me, having trouble getting out of bed, wanting to be alone more than usual... I then initiate conversations, and figure out what is wrong, and butt my nose in with all my opinions. When she is OK, doing good in school, sports, clubs, work, etc., I butt out. I still ask how ya doing etc, but I let her have her privacy. It seems that if I ask her how she is she mostly tells me when she needs me.
Just accept the fact that you're going to do everything wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, WRONG and get over it. :)
Me, too on all that, but male.
Plus, think we're dealing with the going to the movie thing for the 1st time this weekend.
Halp! Halp! Am drowning in sea of parenting books and uncertainty!
We are a year ahead of you over here at my house, but i have no advice to offer. I stay interested in her activities, offer to help with homework, or studying for a test, talk to her friends when they are in my car (which is ALL THE TIME, as I appear to be the friendly neighborhood chauffer. So far, some good and some bad. I continue to try.
I'd just like to point out, that if she knows you are reading it, she may be putting things in there for you to see or comment on.
Hey, just to let everyone know... monitoring may not be enough for many, however there is something free that can help a lot. It's called OpenDNS. Just go to their website and sign up - it's free. From that point you'll set up what you want blocked, how much you want your internet "filtered" to your own tastes. You can then use the OpenDNS name servers in your router DNS settings and protect ALL computers in your home (they have a step-by-step for most popular home routers). I did that when my kids were still at home and my son (back from college) noticed it right away. I continue to keep it in place because I like NOT getting a bunch of crud when I google something.
Lots of good advice above, so I won't rehash it, only throw one little warning it (though you probably already know it, or so it seems). Pick that conversation that you pull out of something you read carefully. Because if she suddenly feels you are butting in on personal stuff (issues with friend), then she will more than likely be less inclined to share such things. Of course butt, when it is NEEDED, but there is a certain amount of growing up involved with learning how other people work, and that just because somebody is your "friend," doesn't always necessarily mean they are going to do right by you. But we had to learn that on our own, so did our parents and so will our kids, it is a lesson that only works from experience, it is not something you can teach, because as a life lesson it seems to abstract to kids with no frame of reference.
Nobody ever gets it right, the first the second or the 10th time. Parenting teenagers is hard exhausting work and you cannot control what goes on beyond your own home. Of all the comments, IMHO Marsha got it right. Butting in where you don't belong will make your teens clam up like nothing you've ever seen. Observe, watch and listen. But do not ask unless there is something severely amiss. Let your daughter know that you're always there for her, that you'll listen and try not to be terribly reactive (want to close off communications? React. That will do it!) and you will support her UNLESS she's doing something dangerous, illegal, or really stupid. She will do all of those things. She is a teen.
Middle school is FILLED with drama. The kind of he said she said drama that can drive your child nuts. Try to find out what her reputation is and explain how important it is to keep a good reputation. Kids make up a lot of crap about each other, and if that's happening to her, it needs to be nipped in the bud before her reputation is damaged. They are little gossips, these middle school girls.
Just you wait till high school. And if you're not yet, try reading Mid-CenturyModernMoms.com which is an entire blog about parenting teens.
I look my 17 year old son straight in the eye and say, "Is there anything you need to tell me?" and if he gets that guilty look, I know we need to talk.
If you figure out the difference between the two diff. types of drama please let me know.
Miss-D recently turned 13 and is in 7th grade...AKA Drama central.
My daughter is still very young (she is only 2) but I already start to think about how she will be as a teenager (I think she is going to be pretty difficult). So i have no advice but to say GOOD LUCK!
I'm right there in the boat with you with Anna. Sometimes I feel so disconnected with her, and then the next minute, she'll just open up to me. So, I'm trying to figure it out as I go. But I do have a feeling I'm missing things. When you write a book on how to do this, let me know!
It's so hard I don't even know what to say except you are doing well being aware. And make sure she thinks you won't be too shocked or mad about anything she might tell you in the next 6 years or so. If she thinks you "can't handle it", i.e., you're going to flip out on her, she'll clam up tight.
Yikes! I can identify with a lot of what you said, and my daughter is
67. I dread the teenaged years. I know it just gets harder. When you get it mastered, be sure to write all the hints and tricks to it here - I will need them! :)I'm a fan of the coincidental moment. If I know someone and I need to address something, but I don't want to say where I got my info or tell them even that I know about Situation X, I wait for just the right moment when a similar situation presents itself on a TV show or in someone else's life. Then I use that as an opportunity to give my thoughts on the situation. If I'm lucky, the other person says, "I'm going through something similar right now" and we can talk directly. But if not, at least they've heard my thoughts/advice.
Parenting teens is like riding a roller coaster - up & down , up & down,exhilarating and frightening ...............and some screaming ( me..... alone.... in the bathroom or my car). I vent all by myself - it feels good and I'm always glad I didn't carry on in front of the family.
I agree with the "don't butt in unless it's a serious issue" However because I'm a nurse my dd and her friends have dumped some serious issues my way.
Mine is 17 and so doesn't need me anymore, until she's sick , then it's "Moooommy ?" and I'm surprised to hear the little girl voice and yet delighted at the same time!
The 18-year old male in my family has decided that maybe he doesn't want to move with us (husband's job is taking us from Great Falls, Montana to Greensboro, NC), and that he really wants to stay. It's just too bad that he doesn't have a job or a real career in mind, but he can take a no-brainer job and make a go of it - like I want to worry about him from over 1,000 miles away! I am seeing that all the things I've said over the years (things that I've "nagged" about) have stayed in his mind, but still! He's not ready! I see he's a good kid, but not ready! Maybe I'm not ready for empty-nest syndrome? Yes, ladies - the things you tell your kids really do sink in, I just wonder if the things we model sink in. I guess I have to trust a little?