Many of you know that I don't have a lot of extended family as I come from a long line of only children. So, when my mother was dying, we depended a lot on her friends to help, and we couldn't have done it without them.
One friend in particular knew my mother very well. They were an unlikely pair, they met in rehab. My mother was a Friend of Bill W. if I never told you that before, she was buried with her 25 year chip.
Anyway, this friend was with us through thick and thin when my mother was ill. She came to sit with my mother several times a week so my dad could get out, and she wnet with me to make funeral arrangements.
She rushed in from out of town when my mother was dying, she greeted guests with us at her visitation and walked in the funeral procession with me and my father.
I'm pretty sure my mother told her to take care of us before she died. She always gives my kids Christmas gifts, she comes to some of their sporting events, and to Grandparent's Day at school.
At 62, she's younger than my mother and older than I am, and my mother always said she's more like a little sister to her.
I spoke with her last about 4 weeks ago and she was recovering from bronchitis and preparing to head back to work.
Today, she's a week into her diagnosis of lung cancer* with 16 mets to the brain and Lord knows where else, and she's been given 6-8 weeks to live**.
I don't really know what to do with this, so it's stayed behind the steel door in a corner of my brain. I peek in there every so often, but usually close it back quickly.
I haven't talked to her yet, will probably try to do that tomorrow or so, and take dinner there next week, but outside of that, there's nothing I can do.
Now, I know when you read someone's blog and they say someone is very ill, you feel bad for them and all, but sometimes it's easy to kind of glaze over it when it's their friend's mother's aunt's cousin.
I get it, now.
Though I really do get (honestly!) that this isn't about me, I am stunned and sad.
For various reasons, there were parts of my mother I didn't know very well, and this friend may be the only one who can fill in the blanks for me.
She's also one of few people that can keep my mother's memory alive in the AA community, and I hate losing that, too.
She also has a 20 year old daughter who's an only child. I want to let her know that I "get it", and that I can't imagine having to do this at 20, it was bad enough at 41.
I've contacted the daughter, but I'm old and all and us old folks are a dime a dozen, so my proclamation of understanding may not have as much impact in real life as it does in my head.
I'm not going anywhere in particular with this, I just let it out from behind the steel door for a minute.
.
* please don't smoke
** Confidential: I know you smoke, you don't have to hide it from me, I'm not judging you, I just want you to stop so this doesn't happen to your family, too.
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Wow, I just came by to say "hi" since I saw you on the Table Talk Attendee list and I was so touched by your post. This hit you so personally--I really don't know what to say except now you have so much more empathy for everyone else who has gone through it. It's tough to watch people special to us deteriorate, especially from something that they might have prevented.
I look forward to getting to know you this weekend and will be praying for your friend.
Oh BM, I am sorry. I am sorry for the daughter, and I am sorry for your mom's friend. What a devastating diagnosis. I am sorry for you, too, as I am sure this is pulling up feelings, emotions and memories that you thought were long past. Praying for all of you in this seemingly hopeless time - may you all find comfort and peace.
*hugs* I am so sorry... My thoughts are with you, and your mom's friend, and her daughter.
I lost both of my parents before I was 40. You can be the friend to her daughter that she was to you when your mom died. Pay it forward.
Each death brings up the hurt from your mom's death. That is okay. It is okay to be sad and it miss her. There are a lot of things I didn't maybe know about my mom and I tried to learn what I could (she was an only child and her parents died when I was young). I miss both my parents differently.
Please don't smoke is the best message anyone can say.
I will be praying for you and for your mom's friends family. Let me know if you need anything from me. REALLY
(((hugs)))
It's losing the part of her that is your mother. I get that. I've hated that part of losing people. Ditto all the hugs and sympathy. Truly.
I completely agree with Monica. This is your chance to pay it forward to her daughter. She's at the cusp of transition from kid to adult and I imagine she could really use someone to step up and be the adult when she doesn't have it in her. My prayers are with you as you face difficult feelings over the next few weeks.
I relate with you so well because I am also an only child. I have 2 boys that are about the age of 2 of your children. I've been helping my mom with her recovery from surgery this summer & it made me realize how hard it is when you are the only child.
Just be there for the mother & daughter & help in any way you can. I'm sure they will appreciate it..
I am so sorry you are having to go thru this. It is hard.
I have an uncle suffering from lung cancer & my mom is helping him now...so I know it is hard!
I am so, so sorry. I can't even imagine how hard this must be. My prayers are with you and also with her and her family.
You wouldn't happen to be a Cancer, would you? heh Your description of how you're handling this information sounds very much like the way I handle these things!
Lifes rough patches like these are so tough and I can rarely find the right words to express my sympathies or attempt to help anyone through them. Just know you aren't alone and that feeling what you are feeling is normal. Don't waste the precious time you have left with her. Go to her and help each other through and help each other let go.
If you need an ear, drop me an email!
I'm sorry. :-( i just lost my mom very suddenly to bone cancer 2 months ago. i can't figure out if knowing you have 6-8 weeks, or not knowing at all is worse? anyway - hang in there. and i'm sorry (i'll say it again).
So sorry to hear this, Busy Mom. Hard memories for you, and tragedy for the family involved. I was talking to a relatively new friend the other night who lost her husband to cancer at a young age. Nine years later she's helping her younger sister through the exact same scenario.
How awful. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this right now.
I'm really sorry. That's so sad and you're very kind to worry about your friend's daughter. Life can be hard and uncertain. My mom has lymphoma and I tell her I love her all the time for just that reason.
I am glad that she has you to help her, even a little. So many oldies go through that without anyone who cares about them.
I'm sorry, for her, her daughter and you. I imagine it is so hard. I am praying for you all.
Having just buried my dad 3 weeks ago, I know the hell this young lady is going through. Mom toughed it out through making all the arrangements, I was there to help, and we were both just about worn out and overwhelmed by it all before it was over. There were plenty of other people around asking what they could do to help ... and really, even though we were crumbling under the load, there was not much that could have been handed off to someone else. It is such an intimate and personal thing. But you know that.
But just knowing there were people that cared enough to offer to help made a huge difference.
Oh, and it will be four years in October ... after 25 years of a pack a day. You can cross me off your worry list. At least that one ;-)
I'm so sorry. I'll keep you and her and her daughter in my prayers.
Please be there for her daughter.. My mom died when I was 19. I wish one of her friends had shown an interest.
I don't believe it's any kind of a coincidence that this wonderful woman came into your mother's life, was there for her, then for you through your mother's passing and has an only child (a daughter, no less) who is now needing the same kind of support. You know exactly how to be there for her. One of my favorite proverbs is... "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." Whether she is ready to appreciate you being there for her today at 20 or she doesn't fully appreciate your being there for her (now) until she is in her 40's, your presence in her life is part of a divine providence. May all three of you be held in Grace.
Wow. I'm so sorry. I buried my mom 10 months ago as a result of lung cancer which had already metastisized to the brain - that's how we found out she had it. As you obviously already know, it was one of the hardest things I've ever been through. I quit smoking almost 5 years ago but my mom didn't quit until her diagnosis. I just want to encourage you to go see your mom's friend and ask what you need to know before it's too late. And please know that I'm praying for you and your mom's friend and her daughter.
I'm so sorry...this is not one of those situations you ever want to be in. Thinking of you all.
I meant this is "one" of those situations you don't ever want to find yourself in. Ugh. You know what I mean... :(
I just found your blog, and I am sorry to stop by on such a difficult day. Life is so unfair. Cigarettes are truly the devil in disguise. I am not a smoker, but I have seen first hand the damage it does. Hopefully, your post today will get someone to quit smoking.
This gave me goosebumps.
I don't have many words but I know without a doubt that even if the daughter doesn't recognize it now, she will in the future, how much you will mean to her by that gesture.
Via facebook, I am in touch with a former highschool buddy and her mom was just diagnosed with mets to her liver, unoperable. I couldn't say anything but I am here if you need me because I too know.
I am also the daughter to a smoking parent who lost their life to lung cancer. I can't imagine how you must feel,, having to "relive" it. If I just hear someone cough or the sound of an oxgen machine, it sends me back. My mom was only 46 when lung cancer took her,,,ditto on the PLEASE DONT SMOKE thing!!
I am so sorry that you and this wonderful woman's family are going through this. No one ever thinks it will happen to them or their family. Your post hit me in the gut, my friend. I am here if you need to talk. Your pain brought me to tears. I know this is hurting you so much. I miss our talks.
I am sure your confidential friend probably knows you know but respects you too much to be in your face about it so he/she "hides it". I truly hope he/she hears your words and takes them to heart no matter how hard it seems to quit. I am guessing he/she does hear you!) I am positive no mom wants her family to go through this. You're a good friend to not judge after all you have been through.
My thoughts are with you now and always...
(((((BusyMom))))) I'm praying...
I'm sorry, for her, her daughter and you. I imagine it is so hard. I am praying for you all.:)
I am really sorry. I appreciate your frankness and your willingness to share. This is a great opurtunity for you to be there for her daughter. I know she will welcome your concern and support.