My mom was one of those folks who visited the family graves on a regular basis. Me, not so much ... I don't find a lot of comfort there. If she's in a position to pay attention to such things, she's probably not too happy.

I get weirded out going to cemeteries. I really am not even a funeral attender. I have lost people in extreme conditions and the cemetery for me doesn't help. If it does for other people, I think that is ok. But I don't handle death well.

I used to take my grandmother every year to all the relatives, dead and alive, in New Hampshire and Massachusetts. When my dad died, in 1987, I visited his gravesite a number of times, whenever I was near Arlington National Cemetery. I haven't been back in years and years. If I were to go again to D.C., I'd definitely visit, particularly to show my kids. I've asked my mom to let me put her near me -- you know, when she's done with her body -- and I think I would definitely go a couple of times a year. (Yeah, you talked lanterns with your mom, I talk San Francisco vs. Florida.)

I think it isn't a reflection on you if you go or not. It really just matters if you find comfort from going. I did with my dad. I think I will with my mom (many years from now).

My family has also never really been that family to go to grave sites. I went to my fathers grave site 10 years ago for the first time ever and haven't returned. I think it's a lot to get used to (going to grave sites). All that matters is what is in yout heart.

Visiting graves isn't my thing. I lost my sister when we were pre-teens. I visited her grave a few times when I was young but it never felt quite right. My dad died 2.5 years ago - I've not been to his grave his the funeral.

I have elderly aunts who decorate the family graves for each holiday and season. Just not my thing.

I grew up with my family going to the cemetery on holidays and sometimes on the birthday of person who passed away. I too did it out of habit until I realized the loved one is with me... in my heart.

My husband's family is big on graves...they put out flowers for just about every Hallmark event. I have NEVER understood this. I can remember the person who has passed without spending a fortune on flowers that won't last on a grave that I won't see for a few more months at most. Instead, we usually plant a tree or make a contribution to a charity in memory of a loved one.

I haven't lost my parents so I might feel differently when asked post-parents. That said, my family aren't grave visitors and as a rule and it's not high on my list.

I used to visit the grave of my HS boyfriend that was killed in an accident over 20 years ago. We would all go together and have a beer with him. We were also 19, so there's that.

We go once every season to clean up and replace the flowers on my late father-in-law's headstone. He died when my husband turned 30, so it is one way for us to take the kids to a physical place where we can remember him as a family. (Although I beg of my husband not to put fake flowers on my own grave!)

This year I did some reading about what Catholics believe about burial. Our cemetery is consecrated, just like a church, and that made me feel a bit more serious about the whole thing. Now when we go we try to say some sort of family prayer, like a Divine Mercy chaplet, for the repose of his soul. It's a little more awkward than just bringing flowers, though.

I lost my dad to leukemia three years ago. I have only been back his grave just a few times. My sister and I went to visit the grave on our first Father's Day without him. And we kind of ended up sitting there saying "OK what do we do now?"

I agree with you -- he is not there. But maybe we think they "are" there since that's kind of the last place we "saw" them.

I drive by the cemetary every day on my carpool journey. Sometimes in my mind I say "Hey Daddy!". But then I think that's weird too.

So I guess I've said all this to say, no I don't really go. And I'm ok with that.

My family always went on Memorial Day, so it seems normal to me.

Odd that you mention this bc lately I've been thinking that I wish I could visit the graves of my grandparents and my sister, but they are all far away in Ohio. I have no idea why I've had that impulse b/c I am like you and do not think they are there anyway.

My parents are buried in the lawn of our church (cremated) so I go by and check on the garden where they are and see who else has been put there. The rest of the family is buried in a cemetary and no one in the family has ever visited them. We just don't do that.
There is no right or wrong just not my thing!!

Having lost my Dad less than a year ago, this is something that's been on my mind a lot. My Mom goes to "visit" Dad quite regularly. I've gone with her a few times, and what I've come to realize is that for my Mom, the visit is less about remembering Dad, and much more about peace and prayer. It's important to her caregiver nature that his headstone looks well-tended. But she spends time "talking" to Dad much the way I pray. I think its a quiet place for her to think through all the curves that life has thrown her.

When I go with her, it's more about support for her. My Dad isn't there.

My brother, on the other hand, refuses to ever visit Dad's grave. He lives in denial that Dad is really gone. Works for him, I guess.

My son was very young when we went with my in-laws to a family cemetery to put flowers on the graves of loved ones. My son (around 5 at the time) insisted on going to each individual grave and pray over them-- it was so cute; he was so sincere. The problem was that he wanted to do this for EVERY grave (related or NOT). LOL We always found it interesting to look at the older gravestones... the names, ages etc. We don't visit the cemetery like we should. We lost our beloved daughter @ 8 months of age in 2003-- we visit on her birthday to release balloons & on the date of death w/ flowers.

Our stillborn baby son is buried at a cemetery about 6 minutes from our home. We used to go when our 2nd son was little and we'd put little cars and toys out... more out of guilt than anything. We took our 3rd son, too, to "meet" his big brother, but we haven't been in years. Life goes on. People get busy.

We think about that little sweetie every day.

Weird. I'm just catching up on my RSS here after literally just posting about failing to hit the cemetery yesterday to visit my dad on his (fake) birthday. (Complicated, I know.)

My parents are/were very into cemeteries and that habit of visitation has rubbed off on me. Though it is, admittedly, a little weird to visit knowing that real estate is already waiting for me. (My parents bought 20 spaces.)

I can really appreciate your post! My mother and father died years ago and it seems that I am the only one of my brothers and sisters who goes to visit their grave.

I suppose I do it because I know that my mother didn't want her gravesite looking like no one ever visitied it :)

LOL - still worried about keeping up appearances even after she died :)

I'm not a big cemetery visitor either - I go once a year to put flowers on a Memorial Day, but that is it. I like to think that the people there are with me every day - I don't have to go there to visit them! And regarding the lanterns - my mother (who passed on 20 years ago) felt that way about artificial flowers - if anyone ever put any on her grave - she would find a way to get rid of them from wherever she is!!

I also find it interesting that your topic is cemeteries today - in my blog I travel to different local spots, take photos and write a little history of the places. Where am I going this coming Monday: a cemetery!

I think that it brings some people comfort to go and visit where their loved ones are buried. Personally though I don't think that one need to visit a burial site to remember those who have passed.

I totally agree on the cemetary. My mother also died from cancer 4 1/2 years ago, and I've probably been to visit her grave less than 5 times. She always hated cemetaries, so I know she's not there. Like you, I didn't grow up 'visting' anyone at a cemetary. My mom always said her father (who passed when I was 2) was always with her, and she didn't need the cemetary to visit with him.
I usually stop by her grave when I'm in the cemetary for another funeral, but not even always then. We do have a very very old cemetary that is quite beautiful and scenic, but it is still so depressing to me. So, I totally get it. You aren't alone in not going!

We are not grave visiting people either, at least not my side. I only have been to my grandparents graves once each, for their burial. Seein as how my parents are in urns sitting on my piano, I guess I do visit them, but not in a formal-type "lets go visit Mom today" kinda way. I just holler over my shoulder "hey" whenever I feel like it, and on birthdays and such. I did threaten my dad that when he died I was going to mix him and my mom together. He kinda straightened up after that.

One more thing. I cant believe its been 4 years since your mom. Wow. Time flies doesnt it. Life it like toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes by.

This may fall under the TMI category, but here goes - my mom wanted to be creamated. She made it very clear when she found out she was sick...she didn't necessarily want to be buried and have her family feel obligated to "visit"....unfortunately, my dad wasn't good with that - couldn't understand and said he didn't have time to talk her out of it....the only compromise he could come up with was to creamate her and then bury her ashes in the traditional coffin...his side of the family didn't know and was perplexed because there was no viewing, etc., but that's the only way he thought he could handle it....knowing how she felt, I don't feel the need to go to the cemetery regularly, but do go when I've been there for other funerals or if I'm having a particularly hard time with something..maybe 5 to 10 times in the 16 years she's been gone...I know she's good with it, cause I still occasionally feel her around me when I really need it - I think burial plots, cemeteries, etc. are more for the living than for those who have passed - gives us a place to feel close, but isn't the only way to remember those you love...just my two cents....

I could also remember that i have been in my grandma's grave 5 years ago. Well, i think i should visit her grave. But its too too far.

My mother-in-law always, ALWAYS goes to the cemetary on Memorial Day to put flowers on her parents and brother's grave. When she lived in Florida, she would mail money or an arrangement up to her brother(s) so they could do it. As for me, I never once went to a funeral, let alone a cemetary, until about 10 years ago.

To me, they are interesting places to read headstones, not something that holds meaning for me personally. Like you, I believe there's no one there!

My mom usually go to the cemetery to visit my grandma's grave and sometimes I go with her too. She would go there if it's my grandma's birthday or death anniversary.

Oppppssss...I'm so sorry for the double post.

My family is responsible for the care of a small, rural cemetery. Instead of visiting gravesites on holidays, we always went twice a year to cleanup the entire cemetery. It was an all day affair. Dad would mow grass, Mom would drag fallen tree limbs away and my siblings and I would do things like pickup old fake flower arrangements, eliminate ant beds, and whine.
My husband's family buys fake floral arrangements for birthdays, Easter, Memorial Day, Christmas, etc. and I never understood shopping for those arrangements (guess I've picked up so many from the cemetery grounds). I'd never leave fake flowers on a grave either... just real ones.

The only times I've been to a cemetery were for the funeral, but never a later visit. I wouldn't want to be buried and have people come visit me. Cremation is more my style.

It always has bothered me that I live so far from my parents graves. When I lived in Maine, for example, I would go to the cemetary, look for a very untended grave, and place flowers, in lieu of.

I just back from my uncle cremation. It was really sad time (till now).

I am one of those people that visits graves but I'm no where near family so I just visit the cemetary and pay my respect. My father wants a tree and a bench placed at his grave. My husband is the total opposite and wants to be cremated, throughout the years I've considered both and have finally decided my best bet would be cremation. Why? Simple, I don't want to be all by myself. I don't want one casket thrown on top of mine because the cemetary gets overcrowded, I don't want mine popping out of the ground due to too much rain water (happened in Emerald Isle, NC). Instead, I can become ashes since I'm no longer on the Earth and if I am I'm just wondering. It is just a body and I can't see spending so much on a lot, casket, clothes, etc. They can keep me in a vase, necklace or toss me somewhere that is beautiful. We've had many interesting conversations about this due to him being in the military and going to so many funerals.

I don't love cemeteries and rarely go with the exception of the funeral.

My mom's mom died 14 years ago and she rarely goes. I bet she's been only a handful of times. She's like you in that she knows "she's not there."

On a side note, my dad once told me if I buried him against his wishes he would haunt me.

Great thought provoking article, I appreciated encountering this today.

My Mom passed away in June 2009 from Ovarian Cancer, I had been to the cemetery once because we had a recent death in the family. Our loved one was buried in the same location as Mom. (We have family burial plots at the same cemetery. The funerals are held at the funeral home on the same property.) It was very difficult to attend the service since Mom was there just a few months prior to our loved one's passing.

I reluctantly drove over to Mom's grave and paid my respects. I looked around at all of the other tomb stones and they had pretty flowers and decorations. She had nothing but a vase full of water. So, I picked out a beautiful spring arrangement. One that I thought looked better than all of the other arrangements around Mom and will decorate as soon as I can get my strength to go visit.

I have always been someone that would rather remember someone in life than in death. This is a different situation though because she is my Mom. It was the first time I saw the "new" grave stone. The stone takes anywhere from 60-90 days after the funeral. It looked good. i know she isn't here with us anymore but, she is here with us in spirit. She deserves the prettiest flowers in the cemetery! I will go this weekend and decorate in her honor.

I've never visited a grave unless I was there for someone else's funeral anyway. Then again, I've yet to lose my parents, spouse, kids, siblings, or a super close friend. And, I've yet to lose anyone who's buried in Atlanta, where I stay at.